On Borrowed Matter

I heard a girl say that life only began once. Since then, she asserted, it had only gone on and on, and would continue to do so. I liked that idea a lot. It meant that maybe our sins, and yes there were so many, had not been so great as to destroy everything there was. It meant that there was no sin, in fact, that could truly destroy anything forever.

I like the idea that we live on borrowed matter. That our limbs and minds and hearts are all just organic bits that we are given temporary domain over, and that we then return. I think I like it best because it postulates that the earth is not our victim. If anything, she’s like a barmaid, watching a foolish drunkard rant and rave and drink himself silly on her table. Then, at the end of the night, he will be gone; and she will clean her bar as if he had never existed.

We are born owing a debt to the earth for these bits and energy and life that we borrow. A drunkard is not very good at repaying a debt, but very good at accruing more. Since we began, we have only owed more and more. On nights that I am feeling very bad about this insurmountable debt, I am comforted by the thought that in our drunken sinful stupor, we will be dragged from the bar. When we no longer exist, our debts will be wiped and the tavern cleaned, once again welcoming and inviting to those who deserve it.

I don’t worry for myself that these things will catch up with me. Every plastic straw and jet emission and balloon gender-reveal will have it’s day. I worry for every creature that pays for my alcoholism, for my neverending addiction to destruction. Every year we get on the news, saying we’ll go to rehab. A promise made at the funerals of our loved ones, of the organic family we share our home with.

I am grateful that I know how the story ends. Amidst all the chaos in his final hour, the drunkard dies. Oh, what a waste, but oh, what relief.

*****

Photography Credit: Jason Rice

Cuba Jimenez is a queer student, writer, and poet based in Los Angeles, California, a graduate of the UCLA television writing intensive, a current undergraduate at DePaul University studying Latino Media, and a dramatic fiction reader for Crook and Folly literary magazine.