On the wings of a snow white dove, he sends his pure sweet love…
Ezra looked at the ceiling and waited for the pills to kick in. All he knew in this moment was that he needed to escape, to die. He suddenly felt a glimpse of the future – something warm, light.
The words echoed again.
On the wings of a snow white dove, he sends his pure sweet love…
***
Ezra woke up to his alarm blaring. He cursed, took a sip of whiskey from the bottle on his nightstand.
He sat up in bed and stared at the floor.
The temperature on his phone told him it was nine degrees today. Another sunny Chicago day, he thought.
Ezra stood up and walked to his dresser. He looked at the cross that dangled from the corner of his mirror.
“Where are you, God?” he whispered.
***
Ezra walked slowly through the streets of Lawndale.
When he signed up for missions work, he dreamed of faraway places. Turkey, Kenya. Maybe even Cambodia. He never knew that his diocese would find him more fit to serve in Chicago.
He grew up on the South Side. Ran around with the same kids, fell in love with the wrong kind of girls. Smoked the funny stuff. Funny stuff defined as anything he could get his hands on.
Ezra unlocked the parish door and stepped inside.
***
Ezra closed the Bible from the pulpit.
He looked at the congregation of twenty or so people and saw a young brunette standing in the back.
“You may receive communion,” he announced.
The congregation stood and lined up in the center of the sanctuary.
Ezra looked up again and saw the brunette walk out the door.
***
“There was a note from some woman named Ashley Pierce,” said Ezra’s secretary. “Do you know her?”
“Name rings a bell,” Ezra replied.
“She left a number,” the secretary said. “Google says the number’s from somewhere out in Iowa.”
“Thanks for letting me know,” Ezra smiled.
***
“Hello?” asked a voice from the other end of the phone.
“Hey, is this Ashley?” asked Ezra.
“Yes.”
“This is Father Ezra Terrance. How are you this morning?”
“Ezzie?”
Ezra paused, “That was what they called me in grade school, yeah.”
“Don’t you remember me?”
“Jog my memory for me.”
“I was the brunette that you hooked up with at Jake’s house? We were eighteen, I think?”
“Oh… yeah, I think I remember you?”
Ezra put his hand on the receiver and let out a deep sigh.
What now? He wondered.
He felt like he’d slept with half of the south side back then.
“Are you sitting down, Ezzie?” Ashley asked.
“Yes,” Ezra cleared his throat.
“You have a daughter.”
“Are you messing with me?”
“No. I found out I was pregnant shortly after we hooked up. I tried to look for you, but you were gone. Somewhere off to the east coast I heard.”
Ezra fought back shock, “Why are you telling me this?”
“I’m telling you because I’m dying,” Ashley sighed. “Cancer. Our girl’s thirty-something now. Famous stage actress. She doesn’t know who you are.”
“She wasn’t my girl,” Ezra replied. “I’m sorry, I don’t know what I can do from here. You should’ve tracked me down earlier.”
“Ezzie… she’s going down the same path we went down.”
“With all due respect, Ashley… I’m a priest now. I don’t think I was that fucked up. We did what we had to do to survive.”
“Besides me, can you name one other person whose life has worked out well enough to even speak about?”
Ezra paused, “No, I can’t.”
“Exactly,” Ashley sighed deeply. “Remember what you said that night we hooked up?”
“No, not much. You were a lot of fun, but those days seem to be like a blur. Cross between drugs and trauma, I think.”
“You said you wanted to do at least one good thing with your life. I thought it was so beautiful at the time. That’s why you were my first.”
“That’s a weird reason.”
“I thought you were going to call. You never did. And now we’re here.”
Ezra wiped away a tear, “What do you want me to do, Ashley?”
“She’s in the city for a play. I told her to come see you while she was in town. I told her all about you – how you became religious and made a life for yourself.”
“How did she receive it?”
“She didn’t know how to react.”
“I’m having a hard time knowing how to react too.”
“Could you go to one of her plays and maybe take her out to coffee afterwards?”
“I don’t know…”
“Ezzie… I’m not sure how you feel about your life as it is now, but I know you wanted to leave Chicago with everything in your soul. You’re not where you want to be, and that’s okay, but maybe this one good thing is right in front of you.”
***
Ezra walked down Lawndale again.
He took notice of the trash on the ground, and the people huddled up on the other side of the street. They waited for food and warmth. Ezra stood on the sidewalk and observed them.
He felt no humanity towards them. He didn’t feel much of anything. In seminary, he was taught that all people were made in the image of God. Ezra believed it, but he’d long ago stopped seeing people that way. He wasn’t sure why.
He scratched his beard and continued to walk down the road.
***
Ezra stood in the back of the theater.
There was his daughter. Elise Simpson. He couldn’t believe it. She was the brunette he’d seen in the sanctuary.
Elise had her mother’s eyes, and the memory of Ashley and Ezra in bed afterwards flooded his mind.
She cracked jokes and smiled at the crowd.
Ezra would sometimes force laughter, so he didn’t stand out, but he was too mesmerized by the fact he was watching his daughter perform in front of people.
A daughter he didn’t even know existed until that morning.
Elise and Ezra made direct eye contact.
***
Ezra and Elise sat across from each other at the coffee shop.
“Why didn’t you ever reach out?” Elise asked.
“I didn’t know you existed,” Ezra replied.
Elise sighed and looked out the window, “Would you have become a priest if you knew I existed?”
“I’m not sure how to answer that. I’m not required to be celibate. I think God has a plan for each thing that happens to us.”
“You know, when I was a kid mom dated a lot of guys that were complete assholes. Just absolute pieces of trash. It figures that my dad is a priest.”
Ezra noticed how frail and skinny Elise was.
“I’m sorry, kid.” Ezra wiped away his tears. “I wish I had the answers to give you. But if I’d known you were out there, I would’ve been present. I would’ve raised you.”
“Would you have fallen in love with mom?” Elise sighed.
“I don’t know… but I know I would’ve given it a shot.”
Elise took a sip of her coffee, “You know, I used to wonder if God existed. I used to pray whenever my mom’s boyfriends…”
She let out a soft shudder.
“You don’t have to talk about this right now,” whispered Ezra.
“No, it’s just… it’s so fucking hard, you know? Where is God in all this?”
Ezra bit his lip. Hours earlier he’d asked the same question.
“Do you think this was God’s plan?” Elise sniffled. “Do you think it was God’s plan for us to not know each other… to be miserable?”
“Are you okay, Elise?” Ezra asked.
“Can you answer the question?”
“Yeah, sure… the truth is, I don’t know. I wish I did. That’s the hell of it with my education and background. The more you study, the less you know. I do believe we’re never alone though.”
“We’re never alone?”
“Yeah, we’re never alone.”
Ezra sipped his coffee.
“I’m not sure if I believe that,” said Elise.
“I’ll tell you why I believe it,” Ezra cleared his throat. “And you may not understand it.”
Elise wiped her eyes with a tissue.
“When I was your age, I attempted suicide. I swallowed a whole bunch of pills. I laid there on the couch waiting for God to come take me home. There was a song playing. Something about angels. And I felt this overwhelming warmth embrace me. I was ready. Then somehow, I knew… it wasn’t my time. There was a song that was playing on the radio… ‘On the Wings of a Snow White Dove.’ Not sure if it was in my head or not. My roommate walked in on me dying, called the ambulance, and I recovered.”
“For a while, I was so angry at God. But then I remembered his body was broken like mine, and redemption was always around the corner. I kept believing because he was broken like me. And I guess that was really the end of it all. We don’t understand God’s plans, but we can understand he was once broken down like us… for us.”
Elise stared ahead for a while, “Do you really believe that?”
“Depends on the day,” Ezra smiled. “But I think I do, yeah.”
“And you think Jesus overcame that?”
“I hope he did. Otherwise, we’re screwed I think. Just wandering around with all these wounds, unsure what to do.”
“Do you think God’s plan involves the both of us?”
“It can.”
“What if it ends in pain?”
Ezra shrugged, “Then we’ll know we gave it a shot. I know that I would love nothing more than to have a chance to be present for you in the ways you need me to be. I’m sorry I wasn’t there. I would’ve been there if I’d known.”
Elise wiped her eyes again, “I’m so scared. What if you’re like the rest of mom’s boyfriends?”
“I’m not… but I understand trust is earned, so take your time. I’m not going anywhere.”
“Okay.”
Ezra handed her a card with his phone number, “Call me any time.”
“I’m not sure I will,” Elise looked to the side again.
“Well, just in case.”
***
Ezra laid down in bed later that night.
He didn’t know what to do, or how to comprehend it. He had a daughter. She may or may not want anything to do with him, but at least he’d contributed something to the world.
“If I’m supposed to be a father,” he prayed, “then grant me the opportunity.”
He closed his eyes.
***
On the wings of a snow white dove, he sends his pure sweet love…
Ezra laid on the couch, empty pill bottle next to him again. Grey beard fully grown out, he was in his apartment. The words echoed again.
On the wings of a snow white dove, he sends his pure sweet love…
“Please, don’t leave me,” said Elise behind him.
Ezra turned around and stared at her.
“My life doesn’t have meaning,” Ezra whispered.
“Aren’t I enough for your meaning?” Elise wiped away a tear. “Aren’t I proof that there is some meaning to this?”
On the wings of a snow white dove, he sends his pure sweet love…
***
Ezra woke up the next morning. The past few days had felt numb, surreal..
Everything inside of Ezra wanted to jump up and go to another one of Elise’s plays… but he knew he didn’t even know she existed until recently. He thought about the dream the night before and shook his head.
No. He couldn’t be the man Elise wanted. Ezra’s phone vibrated in his pocket.
He looked down and saw that a new number texted him.
All it read was: “Pls help me.”
On the wings of a snow white dove…
***
Ezra pounded on the crack house door.
It was close to 1am. He remembered the house from his childhood.
The door opened.
A muscular man eyed him down, “What the fuck do you want?”
Ezra pulled his coat to the side to show his collar, “I’m here for my daughter.”
“She’s busy.”
“One of two things is going to happen. Either you’re going to stand to the side and let me get my kid, or you’re going to have to murder a priest. No one wants that on their conscience, especially a community figure like me. Police will investigate and find you. All I want is my kid. That’s it. Now, for the love of everything that’s holy, please get the fuck out of my way.”
The man eyed him down.
Ezra stared right back.
“Alright,” the man said. “Alright.”
Ezra walked inside and saw gang bangers laying on the couch and floor high. Candles were lit, assumingly for their heroin habit. Some of them were crying, some were laughing.
“Where’s Elise?” Ezra asked them.
A man pointed towards a room in the back.
Ezra walked towards the back and saw Elise tied up to a bed topless. She was beaten and bruised.
“Daddy?” she whimpered.
“I’m here,” Ezra whispered as he started to untie her.
“I’m so sorry,” Elise wept.
“You have nothing to be sorry for.”
After her hands were loosened, she held on tight to Ezra.
He took off his coat and wrapped it around her.
“It’s okay,” he whispered. “It’s okay. It’s not your fault. None of this is your fault.”
Elise wept harder into his shoulder.
“Let’s get out of here.”
***
Elise laid in the shower as Ezra ran water. She was in one of his t-shirts and shorts.
Blood ran down the drain.
“I’m sorry, I’m sorry,” Elise whimpered.
“It’s okay,” Ezra wiped her hair back.
He took her hands and started washing them.
“Better things are possible,” Ezra said.
Elise took a handful of water and poured it onto Ezra’s head.
He stared at Elise for a few seconds.
“I guess I needed you to get wet with me,” she explained.
“Okay, kiddo,” Ezra smiled. “Okay.”
***
Ezra laid Elise down in his bed.
“Get some sleep, okay?” Ezra kissed her cheek. “It’ll be better in the morning.”
“Will it really?” she asked.
“Yeah. I promise.”
“Okay.”
“I have to preach this morning. You can come if you feel better. It’s okay if you’re not ready for it yet.”
“What does communion mean?”
“It means seeing that God was broken for us too. It means feeling a Father’s heart break for humanity.”
***
Ezra poured out his whiskey bottles down the sink and threw them into the garbage. He wiped away tears and breathed in deeply.
“I don’t know what’s happening,” he whispered. “But thank you, Lord, for my daughter.”
***
“You may come up for communion,” Ezra announced.
He took the piece of bread and gave it to each congregant that came forward.
“The body of Christ, broken for you,” Ezra whispered.
Elise approached him, opened her mouth. She still had black eyes and bruises from the night before.
Tears entered Ezra’s eyes, “The body of Christ, broken for you.”
She smiled.
After eating the bread, she gave Ezra a quick kiss on the cheek.
“Elise?” Ezra asked.
“Yeah?” she bit her lip.
“When you asked me if I believe in God, I realized I believe in him this morning… because I see him in you. I hope that makes sense.”
She smiled, “It does.”
“Father?” asked a congregant.
“My apologies,” Ezra took out another piece of bread and laid it on the congregant’s tongue.
Ezra saw Elise flash another warm smile as she sat down. Underneath her broken body, hope flowed from her still.
That’s when the words echoed in his heart one more time: on the wings of a snow white dove, he sends his pure sweet love…
*****
Nathan Perrin (he/him/his) is a writer and Anabaptist pastor in Chicagoland. He holds an MA in Quaker Studies, and is a doctoral student studying Christian Community Development at Northern Seminary. His doctorate work centers on creating a writing program for nonprofits and churches to use to help under-resourced communities process trauma. His work has been published in the Dillydoun Review, Bangalore Review, Collateral Journal, Esoterica Magazine, etc. His forthcoming novella Memories of Green Rivers will be released in winter 2025 by Running Wild Press. He is also a screenwriter for an unannounced indie comedy series. For more information, visit www.nathanperrinwriter.com
